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Funny Toilet Paper Stories

“Harvard Switches to 2-Ply”
harvard university logoWhen the mass complains, the authority listens! Harvard University recently “renovated” the bathrooms of their first-year dorms and housing complexes, changing all of the one-ply rolls to two-ply rolls to appease the student body. Gretchen Meek, a junior and dorm-cleaning captain for Dunster House, says it will be nice for a change. “It’s quilted. It reminds me of home. It just feels better”, she says.  A facility manager for Harvard who orders the university’s TP, Jason Luke, that people “go through two-ply faster. It gives the illusion that there is more paper on the roll.” C. Ted Wright, a freshman running for a Student Council seat, says that “One-ply is uncomfortable and often tends to break at bad times.” (Quotes from Student.com)

“Toilet Paper rubs SGA the Wrong Way”
The OSU Student Government Association Arts & Sciences Senator, Harley Collins, wrote a bill on April 15, 1998 to replace all toilet tissue on campus with quilted tissue. The reason for such a request? “OSU toilet paper, much like myself, is rough, tough and doesn’t take crap off anyone”, Collins claims. (Daily O’Collegian)

“New Toilet Paper Ad gets to the Bottom Line”
In a Wall Street Journal article, some believe Kimberly-Clark Kleenex Cottonelle toilet tissue oversteps its boundary in promoting the item in its recent ad. The advertisement takes a different approach – instead of describing the scent and colorful array of tissue, they hype a brand of toilet tissue that wipes better than any other brand. Because of its new “rippled” texture, the tissue is “designed to leave you feeling clean and fresh”. An advertisement for a household item has never been so crude…well, except for their 1981 promotion for Depends Undergarments.

“Five-Fold Flush”
In December of 1998, a British mathematician, Sir Roger Penrose, discovered a familiar design on the toilet paper rolls that his wife brought home from the market. Ironically, the design was his copyrighted, five-fold, symmetrical polygon pattern. Penrose immediately took action, and filed a lawsuit against Kimberly-Clark for breach of copyright. (Mechanical Engineering Magazine)

“The Great Toilet Paper Case or A Case of Toilet Paper?”
Money lender/cinema owner, Andrew Rutledge, purchased a million rolls of toilet paper on a whim, in hopes of a profitable trade. On March 8, 1929, a hearing was held with Mr. Rutledge and the Commissioners of Inland Revenue to propose that Mr. Rutledge pay an “Excess Profits Duty Tax” of L10, 857 (or $10,857.00) for the paper. Ahhhh… perhaps the first schmuck to avoid the IRS? (The Toilet Paper Museum)

“The Healthy Home of the Future comes to Japan”
As if Japan isn’t already WAY ahead of the United States with their technological advancement…In May of 1999, a new paperless toilet was created! As a “nation obsessed with hygiene”, Japan has outdone themselves and made a latrine from “bacteria-resistant metals”. The paperless toilet comes complete with a washing/rinsing mechanism, a blow-drying component, and a heating element. What will they think of next? (The Lancet)

“Schools say vandals force Toilet Paper rationing: But some parents in Detroit don’t agree”
On October 23, 1986, a Detroit school board voted to remove all of the toilet paper from Heritage Junior High’s bathrooms. The Utica school officials were fed up with the vandalism of the bathrooms, and decided that removing all toilet paper was the best way to solve this issue. At the Utica district hearing, it was said that toilet paper was being held because of the students’ bad behavior; a toilet-clogging issue. Angry parent-activists fought back with force words of child cruelty and financial misuse in the school system. Finally, the ten-year ban was dissolved…On January 17, 1996; the toilet paper was allowed to return to the stalls. (The Detroit News)

“Florida Sues Toilet Paper Makers”
General Bob Butterworth, a Florida attorney, sued five of the nation’s leading toilet tissue manufacturers, alleging that they plotted together and raised toilet paper prices to the public. The attorney claims that the price of pulp has declined 18% since 1989, while the price of toilet paper has risen 41% for the mass consumers. “These price increases were made in virtual lock step, indicating the companies were working together to ensure prices to commercial consumers and larger, illegal profits for themselves,” Butterworth said. (The Augusta Chronicle Online)

“One Man’s Toilet Paper is Another Man’s Wages”
A recent article in Izvestia stated that Moscow clock-factory workers received 150 rolls of toilet paper as a bonus. “The article hinted that the workers felt lucky to get the toilet paper,” reporter Paul Hein stated. The fact that the workers felt “lucky” says a lot about the values of toilet paper in the Soviet Union and the official currency.

“Y2K and The Great Hawaiian Toilet Paper Panic”
During the oil embargo situation of the mid-1970’s, Hawaii went into widespread pandemonium. Since all of Hawaii’s sources are being shipped from 6,000 miles away to the state, the shipping “interruption” caused a huge disturbance to Hawaii’s people. Lines in the local gas stations were ridiculously long, and were known to become violent from impatience and misunderstanding. The store shelves were lacking in many areas, but the paper product department was getting the worst end of the deal. The toilet paper had to be rationed out once a new shipment came in, one roll per person only. The end result: store managers sent in desperate orders for bulk supplies, giving every consumer a chance to buy his or her share of necessary toilet paper in volume. Then, the remaining rolls were available to the less “frantic”.

“Local firm hopes to sell nation on a kinder, gentler toilet paper”
In 1997, Linters, Inc., a new Seattle-based toilet paper manufacturer, produced a new, environmentally safe toilet paper for the public. The paper, Purely Cotton, is made from water and cotton with no traces of wood and very little amount of chemicals. Co-Founder Willy Paterson-Brown said, “It’s not entirely chemical-free, but it has the lowest residual toxicity since we don’t need to put in any softening agents.” The paper is ideal for people with sensitive skin, and the ad claims that it reduces a female’s risk of developing a yeast infection. The product was launched in April of 1997, in Washington State and Oregon stores.

“The Lighter Side: City Flushes out Toilet Paper Caper”
In October of 1995, a Philadelphia city employee stole $34,000 dollars worth of toilet paper from Veterans Stadium, just before an Eagles football game. After an investigation by City Controller Jonathan Seidel, the accused, Ricardo Jefferson, was fired. Seidel’s Spokesperson Tony Radwanski stated, “We don’t really know how long this was going on. We only looked at a ten-month period from October 1994 to August 1995, but man, he really wiped that stadium clean.”

“Toilet Paper locked up after repeated thefts
Osaka Locks Up Prized Toilet Paper”- (July 1999) Toilet paper has become sparse in Osaka, Japan. The Municipal Building of YAO City has complained that government employees are stealing rolls out of the building’s bathrooms. In an attempt to stop this theft, Osaka officials ordered all toilet paper rolls to be locked in a secure dispenser box. “I am surprised to hear that toilet paper was stolen. I wonder if it was meant to make up for the recession-hit life. It’s a hard world to live in,” said Sachio Ue, secretary-general of the Japan Toilet Association based in Tokyo.

How did late-nighter Johnny Carson attribute to the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 1973?
It all actually started as a joke. Johnny Carson was doing his typical NBC Tonight Show monologue on December 19, 1973. His writers decided to include a joke based on Wisconsin congressman Harold Froelich’s quote which they had heard earlier that day. Froelich claimed that the federal government was falling behind in getting bids to supply toilet paper and “The United States may face a serious shortage of toilet tissue within a few months”.
Johnny Carson’s quote: “You know what’s disappearing from the supermarket shelves? Toilet paper. There’s an acute shortage of toilet paper in the United States.”
The next morning, many of the 20 million television viewers ran to the supermarket and bought all of the toilet paper they could find. By noon, most of the stores were out of stock!
Carson later apologized for scaring the public, and retracted his quote. (NY Useless Information)

TIMMY THE TALKING TOILET PAPER ROLL
The following is a story that was submitted by Laura Shanley, a children’s book author, to ”themestream.com”on July 4th, 2000:

Timmy was born on a hot summer day in a toilet paper factory in Boise, Idaho. Originally, he was rather plain looking, but shortly after birth he was dyed a lovely shade of yellow. After an exciting ride on a conveyer belt, Timmy was perfumed and packaged along with eight other rolls, and put into a box to be shipped to the grocery store.

Tushy, Timmy’s best friend, curled up next to him and tried to get some sleep but something was bothering him. “I’m worried,” Tushy said, “I’ve heard rumors about what happens to some rolls of toilet paper.” “What kind of rumors?” Timmy asked, anxiously. “Well…. I heard someone say something about a ’slow, watery death.’ You don’t think that could happen to us, do you, Timmy?” said Tushy. “Of course not,” replied Timmy, “We’re two-ply, the best of the best. We got nothing to worry about.”

Soon Timmy and Tushy found themselves on the grocer’s shelves. Day after day they watched shoppers walk by – ladies with babies, old men holding onto their carts to keep from falling over, little kids who knocked things off the shelves. Then one day a man picked up Timmy’s package. “Hooray! Hooray!” all the rolls shouted.

Timmy laughed as he rode in the shopping cart. It felt just like the conveyer belt. When the man got home he put Timmy and the others in a dark closet and closed the door. Timmy was very sad.

But the next day the man took out the package, opened it up, and took Timmy out. He carried Timmy into the bathroom and put him on the toilet paper holder. Around and around Timmy went. “Wheeeeee!” Timmy yelled. He never knew life could be this fun. What happened next is too sad to write about in a story for children. We’ll just say that Timmy went swimming.
The end.

Toilet Paper Bride
One of the most popular and fun games to play at bridal showers is “Toilet Paper Bride”. The guests are split up into 4 or 5 person teams. Each team chooses a “bride” and dresses her up in her bridal gown and veil using only toilet paper. Creative teams have even created bouquets with toilet paper. When the allotted time is up, the real bride-to-be chooses the best bride and the winning team! (Brigette Krupitzer)

What’s your style?
One night, four of us got into a conversation about “styles of implementation” of toilet paper. We decided that people were either Reach-Around-ers or Reach-Through-ers. Considering the logistics, we felt we would be hard pressed to find a man who was a Reach-Through-er.

We then added subcategories, after demonstrating the paper preparation:
Folders consciously fold the selected sheets, Wrappers wrap the sheets around their hands, then remove the hand, and tufters gather the sheets into a puff. One of us was a Reach-Around-Folder; one was a Reach-Around-Wrapper, and one a Reach-Around-Tufter. Last, we needed another category, as the fourth was a Folder, and would fold and reuse the clean areas of the sheets. We dubbed him a Reach-Around-Origami-Master. (Stephanie Branch)

“Which way should the roll be placed on the roller?” “To pay off from the top or bottom?”
Kenn Fischburg, President of ToiletPaperWorld.com & the King of Toilet Paper answers, “Many hotels install the toilet paper to pay out from over the top in order to make a nice pointed triangle on the end sheet. This points out to the user that someone cleaned the bathroom and paid attention to the ‘finer’ details. However, others feel that in a public facility it is best to install to pay out from underneath. In this way the dispensing and tearing is more controlled and therefore less people will touch the roll of paper, therefore less cross contamination. Also, keeping the paper closer to the wall by dispensing from underneath provides a ‘cleaner less intrusive’ environment, especially in close quarters. Some dispensers have a top cover that helps the user pull and tear the paper. In this case the roll should be dispensed from the top allowing the user to ‘pull up’ on the paper and tear it easily. So, it depends on the dispenser, the location and the facility. However, the simple concern about the installation of the roll may have a deeper meaning and may be indicative of a different issue in the personality of the user”. This question remains one of the most frequently asked.

Are you a bargain shopper?
Carleen Marcorelle father’s hobby is shopping for bargains – especially toilet paper bargains. He lives with her stepmother, but even though there’s only two of them, he has enough toilet paper in his garage to supply a family of 20 for some time. We joke that if there’s ever a natural disaster, we just need to get to his house! Carleen’s brother says that thousands of years from now, there will be an archaeological dig where my Dad’s house once stood, and the archaeologists will probably think there was some sort of manufacturing plant that existed there-a toilet paper manufacturing plant of course! They’ll be confused because the area will be thought to have been a residential area, so it may become a mystery like Stonehenge or the wheat circles.

A true toilet story
When my daughter Amy (who is now in her 20’s) attended elementary school in Lincoln, Maine, the bathroom was referred to as the “basement”. This was a long-standing local custom, and no one seemed to know it’s origin. When a student needed to go to the bathroom, they would raise their hand and ask to go to the “basement”. This was not a problem until we moved to another state. On her first day in the fourth grade at a new school, Amy raised her hand and told the teacher she needed to go to the “basement”. You can imagine the teacher’s confusion. She asked, “Why do you want to go to the basement?” From Amy’s point of view that was a rather silly question. “Because I have to go,” she said. The teacher, mystified, then said, “Well, Amy, we don’t have a basement.” At this, Amy broke into tears thinking that the school had no bathrooms and that she would have to hold it all day. The teacher questioned her some more, solved the problem, and we all had a good laugh.

TwoDaLoo: The Two Seater Toilet
Introducing the “TwoDaLoo”- a two seater toilet. Buy it at Wiserep.com. This toilet claims to a “supertoilet that saves rocky marriages and the planet.”

New Machine Turns Office Waste into Toilet Paper

A Tokyo-based company has come out with a cool new product- a machine which turns used copier paper into toilet rolls. The toilet paper machine is able to produce two rolls per hour from around 1,800 sheets of used paper, which would have usually been just been put in the trash. And it can be put right in your office!

Don’t Microwave Toilet Paper

An unnamed person put a wet roll of toilet paper in the microwave, and ended up with a visit from the fire department and hundreds of dollars of smoke damage.

Sibling Rivalry Over Last Roll of Charmin Toilet Paper

A fight over toilet paper escalates to the cops being called.

Stolen Toilet Paper Leads to Name-Calling Note

Don’t steal toilet paper from your neighbors!


Horror Novel to be printed on Toilet Paper

You read it right, a Japanese author is printing his newest horror novel on toilet paper!